What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 20:08
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Comes on , in middle age.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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This is soul school!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I will be 64.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
We were not on the streets..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But it wasn’t much.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
What did i know ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was scared of men, in general
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Would this be the day?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ive learnt so much.
Im still living with it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She was in good health!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I write beautiful poetry .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One cannot live in the past .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So whats the point in blame.
I don,t even have a pension.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We all went to grammer schools
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I have no regrets .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was very sick at this time too.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She married twice! .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She loved him until the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When she asked me how she looked .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My life is so biszare .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
All the time i was locked up.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I said to her
She found it foreign!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was seconnd youngest,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was 9 years of age.
And i lived it daily.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She wouldn,t have been !
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I waited trembling.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I could never make a relationship work though!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I think the readers, may guess!
He knew the spot.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Who then, do I blame.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But ive been too sick for many years..